Bereavement goes in the cycle of grief, affecting people in different ways. There is no ‘normal’ way to grieve. There is no set timeframe to the cycle of grief.
Significant dates such as Christmas, birthdays, or hearing the news of someone else passing, can trigger the emotional cycle in people who have recently lost a loved one. This could be the loss of a family member, friend or even a pet.
The news of our Queen passing away back in September, caused unrest and worry for many people. When we’ve lost someone close to us, such news can retrigger some of the emotions experienced through the bereavement process.
Grief isn’t just an emotional cycle associated with loved ones passing. We experience grief as a result of divorce, retirement, redundancy, financial losses, menopause,… the list goes on.
Grief will come in waves and sometimes surprise us when we’re not expecting it!
The Grieving Brain
On hearing the news that someone has died, or a traumatic experience has happened, our body releases hormones and chemicals associated with our fight or flight response. Adrenaline and Cortisol. With every reminder and our thoughts, we trigger the same stress response. The primitive part of the brain takes over, operating within the parameters of depression, anxiety, and anger of a combination of all three. We lose the ability to think straight.
- The left prefrontal cortex – often referred to as our intellectual part of our brain. When we operate from here, we are positive, rational, logical, in control and come up with answers based on proper assessments of a situation. Through the cycle of grief, it becomes UNDERACTIVE.
- The anterior cingulate gyrus – our subconscious decision maker part of the brain. This part is involved in our decision making, and our processing, without us being aware. Through the cycle of grief, it becomes UNDERACTIVE.
- The amygdala – this area is referred to as our fight, flight, survival area of the brain. Through the cycle of grief, it becomes OVERACTIVE.
The Grieving Body
The symptoms of grief can show up differently in everyone. Emotionally, physically, or socially.
Appetite and digestion are affected due to the fight, flight, survival response. Our body naturally shuts down digestion when anxious when we need to flee from our dangers. With some stress responses we comfort eat to try and keep our energy and ‘feel good’ hormones up.
Grief can make us feel anxious. Our heart races, our breathing gets fast and shallow, preparing us for the fight, flight, survival response. This can be scary and may trigger panic attacks.
Trying to use some of the energy created by the stress response in the form of exercise will help.
Our sleep is disturbed. Our thoughts might be racing preventing you to get off to sleep, or if you wake in the night they start again. Our dreams may appear quite vivid including the person or animal that has died. In my blog Can’t Get to Sleep I give some tips on how to get a good night sleep.
Long term levels of anxiety, lack of eating or comfort eating, and poor sleep, will have a detrimental effect on our physical and mental health and day to day life. Understanding the cycle of grief and the support networks available will help you cope with bereavement.
The Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first published her book, ‘Death and Dying’, in 1969 introducing the 5 Stages of Grief. With more studies, the current thinking is there are 7 phases of grief. The cycle as a whole, is referred to as ‘mourning’.
It’s unlikely that we go through all 7 phases in order, or experience all of them. Everyone is different. Here is an overview of what happens in each stage.
Shock. This is unavoidable, however prepared for the loss of a loved one.
Denial. This is common. We have feelings of disbelief as our emotions are so overwhelming, it is difficult to accept what has happened.
Guilt. As the initial shock and denial subside, feelings of guilt and remorse set in. Questions of “Was there anything I could’ve done differently” this is a natural response for the primitive brain. At this stage the danger is to take substances to numb the cycle, by drinking alcohol or substance use.
Anger. This is a perfectly natural response. We can feel anger towards the person, or pet, who has passed away. Or to ourselves, for the things we didn’t do before they died. Death can appear cruel and unfair especially when they have died before their time.
Bargaining. At this stage we ruminate our thoughts to try and fix what’s happened. Going over the “What if’s”, wishing we could go back and make changes. Making deals with ourselves or to a higher being through religion. Feeling better by behaving in a particular way.
Depression. The weight of the loss and mixed emotions can take hold, leading to feelings of depression. When we become depressed, we withdraw from others, becoming lonely. Life can lose its meaning.
Acceptance and Hope. By accepting a death is not the same as pretending it never occurred. We gain control of our thoughts, accepting what has happened whilst keeping our precious memories. We can focus on a more hopeful future. It can take some people a long time to reach this stage.
Ways to Cope with Grief
Go with the grieving process. Understand what normal feelings are. This makes it easier to rebuild your life after a bereavement.
- Talk to someone. There are support groups or online support, Cruse, and Mind can signpost you and give more information.
- Self-care. It is important to look after yourself and your well-being. It is the simple, little steps that will make all the difference. Follow the Five Steps to Well-being.
- Maintain a routine. Again, all part of self-care, going to bed and rising at the same time, eating regular meals. This will help the sense of control.
- Avoid harmful behaviours. Alcohol and substance use are not the answer and lead to further problems down the line.
- Seek professional help. Hypnotherapy can help you see a clearer way forward. Away from depression, with better sleep patterns and creating productivity in your life. Seeing your goals as a reality and managing the barriers which are standing in your way.
- The Mind Reboot program may be the answer should you be struggling to move forward after many years. It will help with the acceptance of the death, allowing you to have those precious memories, without the heightened emotions.
If you or someone you know is struggling to manage their grieving process, see if I am the right therapist for you. Contact me for the free initial consultation if you would like support to get you through the cycle of grief.
‘Supporting you through life stresses to emerge as the person you wish to be’…